A Less Structured Form of Expression

huge dreamy sigh

2005-09-11T23:52:54Z

You are amazing...

di9i741_4n931 @ 2005-09-06T23:02:00

2005-09-07T04:06:18Z

Hello everyone. Sorry if you thought I'd disappeared...I haven't. I pretty much have nothing to say about things that have been going on since I updated last, with the exception of the past 2 weeks. In the past two weeks I've managed to find happiness again, remember how to smile, remember who I used to be before everything got so screwed up. I've also learned how to care with my entire heart again .And it's all thanks to one person. His name is Andy and he's amazing. I'm crazy about him, and I don't think I show him that nearly as often as I could or should. I would tell you to get to know him to see how amazing he is but then I'd be afraid that I'd lose him when he figured out I'm not special. So take my word for it, he's one of the best things that could have happened to me. Babe, I'm absolutely crazy about you.

hello
I've waited here for you
everlong
tonight I throw myself into
and out of the red
out of her head she sang

come down
and waste away with me
down with me
slow how
you wanted it to be
I'm over my head
out of her head she sang

and I wonder
when I sing along with you
if everything could ever feel this real forever
if anything could ever be this good again
the only thing I'll ever ask of you
you've got to promise not to stop when I say when

breathe out so I can breathe you in
hold you in
and now I know you've always been
out of your head
out of my head I sang

di9i741_4n931 @ 2005-07-27T04:37:00

2005-07-27T09:38:24Z

Well everyone, I'm off to Florida for 11 days. See you all August 6th at the n2ts/ghost of maine show.

Call my cell if you need me.
812.249.9680

CORRECTION

2005-07-20T15:27:53Z

THE N2TS REUNION SHOW IS SATURDAY AUGUST 6TH AT CLUB LOGOS IN FRANKLIN, IN.
THANK YOU!
NOW GO GO GO GO GO!!!

Okay. so It's been 2 months. Shoot me.

2005-07-15T20:27:44Z

For those of you who actually still read this shit. Disregard my last entry entirely. It seems as though I have searched as far as Arizona for something different and I managed to find another TJ.

So things were perfect with Eric and I. I couldn't have been happier. Until Like the last week of June/First week of July he called and put his new girlfriend on the phone. And now she's wearing what was my engagement ring. I don't even have words for my fucking disappointment. And I've had down time and I'm over it. Well, I'm at least acting normal again. I don't see this one getting fixed anytime soon. My heart was kind of ripped out and shredded with a dull rusty spork. (Do they even make metal sporks?) In any case. If there's a hitman somewhere in Arizona that reads my lj (ha ha) How much do you want?

News news news....what's happened. I am deeply saddened at the passing of Into the Silence - but at their last show I was introduced to Ghost of Maine. I really like their music. I needed a band to kickstart my interest in the scene again. It's been to long. I'm hoping they're it. I'll post some upcoming shows when I'm done babbling - one of which is an n2ts reunion show. I'll take a bus if I have to to get you people to go. Just hit me up.

Let's see. I've been slaving my summer away at ISU's Summer Stage or "Crossroads Repertory Theatre" *rolls eyes*. I'm a carpenter/electrician/costume/props person dependant upon the show. We are closing in on the last week. That's awesome. It's slave labor and I could kill 90% of the people there. Then I'm off to Florida to chill with my Aunt, hit warped tour. Then I'll be back for the ghost of maine/n2ts/to die alone show. I'll tell you about it later.

Blah. I don't know. I feel bad for being over eric this quickly but I really just want someone to mess around with. I want to be able to just sit around doing nothing all day with someone I'm into who makes me smile. It'd be nice for a change. No stupid pressure of having to go on a "date" or whatever. Just chill and watch movies, play video games, listen to music, general mischief and fun randomness.. I want something real. Anyway I'm out of here.

Upcoming shows of interest:

The Legacy (Terre Haute)

July 15th 2005

Halo 2 Tournament,

More info at Venue Doors

Open:6pm

$5.00

JULY 30th 2005

Rock For Riley 2005!

Dr Satan

Cerebral Holocaust

Saqqara

Welcome to WallStreet

Akaishia

Fare Thee Well

hypnocinema

Seeking Zero

fatal Theory

Havok on polaris

Anomic Doors

Open:2:00pm

Show Start:3:00pm

$10.00 Admission

Ghost of Maine Shows:

Later on people.

Once a month...doin good

2005-05-16T19:14:30Z

So here's what's been going down:

I'm engaged to the most amazing man I've ever met in my life. So, depending on if my credits will transfer from ISU to University of Arizona I'm either getting married Aug. 2006 or Aug. 2007 and then moving to Arizona. I have never been this happy and I have no idea how to explain it.

On the flipside I heard the scariest words that I have ever heard yesterday: That Eric got in a car wreck. I've never been that terrified ever. He's okay, but his car is totalled. He rolled it 3 times over a hill and nearly into a cement wall. I don't know what I would've done if anything had happened to him... I don't even know if I would've known. I was so scared when he told me that. Blah.I don't want to think about it.

So I'll talk about marrying him :) It's going to be ot at St. Mary's, I just don't know about the reception...Ummm...I got my dress on Friday. It made me giddy.

Saturday I saw Into the Silence, A Waking Nightmare, Ishia, The Nancy School - An excellent show well worth the money. I love all of them dearly.

I'm sicker than a dog...it's horrible...

That's about it. Hit you all up probably in a month.

di9i741_4n931 @ 2005-04-14T23:11:00

2005-04-15T04:19:46Z

It's been awhile...here's what been going on.
Manami came...I doubt she had fun...had some good times at Denny's with Dan and Glenn over Spring Break...Manami left...

And Eric came home *girly goofy smile*
Any doubt or fear I had about my security in my relationship with him is gone. There is no doubt in my mind that in a few years I'll marry that boy. It's crazy. We had so much fun just laying around watching movies, at the wedding, him getting me to dance at the wedding - I can officially say the first guy I've seriously danced with was one Dustin Francis. Which just cracks me up. I'll post pics later. Then I danced with Eric so I'm counting that as first. Um...Sunday night got smashed with Dustin, Leslie, Tom, Alan and of course my beautiful boyfriend..then he stayed the night at my house mmmhmm..Spent a few nights at Denny's....Most of the time Eric and I just bounced back and forth between our houses. Mom had her surgery yesterday, she's recovering well and should be home tomorrow. I took Eric back to the airport yesterday - it damn near killed me to come home to an empty bed. I'd gotten so used to him being there. But now my class ring, my heart, my entire world is chillin in Arizona. I miss that boy more than I have words. But I have his heart here...and a possession even more prized - his Michigan hat. I can't wait until August to see him again. I'm ready to be out of college and get straight to the whole living in Arizona part. I'm hoping I'll fall asleep and it will be here when I wake up. *sigh*

So...I guess I'm just saying that I'm really glad I have good friends like Dan and Glenn. I love you guys. I don't know what I'd do without you. And to you Mr. Eric Matthew. I love you more than anything and I can't wait to see you again.

Ever since the day you went away
and left me lonely and cold
my life just hasn't been the same
oh baby no
when i looked into your eyes
the moment that i let you go i just broke down

baby if i ever get the chance to be with you again
I would sacrafice
Cuz the feelin that I feel within no other man would make me feel so right
its nice to smile when i get your phone call at night
But i rather have you here with me,right next to me, and i miss the way you hold me tight

I've got to let you know I feel so weak without your touch
I never thought i could ever love a man so much
I've gotta let you know that I think we are destiny
For you I cross the world for you
I'd do anything

Thats right baby
Im goin crazy
I need to be your lady
I been thinkin lately
that you and me yes we can make it
just ride with me roll with me
Im in love with you baby

Thats right baby
Im goin crazy
I need to be your lady
I been thinkin lately
that you and me yes we can make it
just ride with me roll with me
Im in love with you baby

break it down then I'll tell you what i feel
from the moment that i met you its been so damn real
my heart seems to skip another beat every time we speak
Can't belive I feel so weak
tell me that you really need me
and you want me and you miss me and you love me
im your lady
I'll be around waitin for you
put it down be the woman for you
im fallin so deep for you
crazy over you im callin
callin out to you
what am i gonna do?
its true im frontin
it's u ain't no wonder I can no longer go on without you
I'd just break down, down

I've got to let you know I feel so weak without your touch
I never thought that i could ever love a man so much
I've gotta let you know I think that we are destiny
For you I cross the world for you
I'd do anything

Thats right baby
Im goin crazy
I need to be your lady
I been thinkin lately
that you and me, yes we can make it
just ride with me roll with me
Im in love with you baby

Thats right baby
Im goin crazy
I need to be your lady
I been thinkin lately
that you and me, yes we can make it
just ride with me roll with me
Im in love with you, baby

di9i741_4n931 @ 2005-03-10T19:32:00

2005-03-11T00:52:15Z

To the few who have asked in utmost sincerity what has been wrong with me as of late, I am giving you my answer. The relevance of my last post has since been diminished by the insincerity and general disregard for truth of one I proudly called my best friend. In truth, I have not changed my story in saying that of him no negative thing is left to say. Of his choices, however, of his girlfriend, however, of his lack of regard for promises so devoutly mad, however - I can find not to speak highly of for any. This is especially true of the aforementioned choice to define "time well spent" which, as of this morning I realized, I was not - in his accordance naturally, as his live journal now so plainly states. Also in his live journal, however, not all that long ago, is stated very plainly what his feelings for me at one not so distant time were. Furthermore, in the archives of and memories of my live journal exist more plainly than one could ever state just what my feelings for him were. Unlike my poor choice of best friend, I have not lied regarding such feelings. The obvious contradiction thus validating his lies is quite lucid to any who view it. Tell me now that I did not care. Mock me further with your icy glares, your rude, untrue remarks. Mock me further still with your minimizing my efforts, my tears, my bending over backward, my disregard to my family, to my friends. I beg of you, mock me further. I am in no way diminishing your efforts in our so obviously menial, meek, meaningless relationship. But don't you dare condescend to make a mockery of mine. Ultimately, I stand before you tried, used, and wasted. You have left me with a broken smile, broken trust, a broken laugh, one thousand memories, and, by my own volition, not a single regret. But more importantly than all of this - I did all of this in my own way. I'm healing just fine. I am happy. I am content. I am in love and loved back and not once have I needed to utter a single solitary degradance to myself feel better about my relationship with Eric. Nor does he find it necessary to ever mention you because you have nothing to do with he and I, our relationship, our happiness, or the way we feel about ourselves or each other. I am not mad at you. I do not blame. Least of all do I care. However, much like someone else in your life, I am inconceivably disappointed that someone I ever remotely said I loved would settle for a set of expectations so obviously beneath himself.

di9i741_4n931 @ 2005-02-11T21:05:00

2005-02-12T02:23:22Z

I guess I need to write this because I feel like things have just kind of stopped and I've really left no explanation.
And when TJ and I were done,yeah, I was heart broken. And this isn't to say that it doesn't hurt, part of it still does. But I'm okay now. And I guess I'm just having an epiphany over all of this and I need to say it.
TJ and I had a lot of hurt in our relationship, and we had a lot of good too. But love shouldn't be that hard. There has to be someone out there for everyone that it doesn't take bending over backward and ripping your heart out just to be happy with them, just for some of the time. I miss the good, but at the same time, in retrospect, we are both so much better off. He's with Shannon, and happy. And at first it hurt and I was jealous and I couldn't stand it - To think about it, to look at him, to hear his voice...I hated it. But now it doesn't hurt. And it's wonderful to see him smile. And now it even makes me smile. I just hope that he doesn't get hurt and this is what he wants and or needs.
But rewinding a little, while I was so hurt and broken and TJ could offer me no solace, by no fault of his, I had Eric. And somewhere in the midst of me being broken, Eric fell in love with me. And I guess the whole while, I loved him too. I never really thought of it, I always just needed someone to talk to because my heart was only with TJ. And all the while Eric was trying to tell me that he wanted to be with me and all I could say was how much I was in love with TJ. I guess, in the end, I was just afraid to let go because I was comfortable with TJ. But now, as this whole thing really hit me, I know that I don't have to be afraid with Eric. With TJ I was always afraid that I was going to fall and hit the ground hard - and in the end, I did. Harder than I thought I would. But that's the person that Eric says he loves, the person who has nowhere to fall. And that's where he has met me at. I have no fear of falling and breaking now because I have nowhere to go.
I guess all I'm really trying to say is that tonight I have somewhere found closure to a year and a half. And it isn't bitter, and it's not to say I don't love you TJ. I do. You know I always will. But you're just my best friend now. And I'm okay with that. And I think we're both happy. We have closure and I didn't even have to kill your cat (It's a good day when you can work the Saints in). I can finally do it now though: I can just be there for you and we won't get hurt. You have your best friend, and a girlfriend that you are happy with. I have my best friend (I hope) and someone who loves me, even the me that was already so screwed up. Things are finally going right, and have nowhere to go but up.

<3<3

di9i741_4n931 @ 2005-01-31T22:48:00

2005-02-01T03:50:20Z

I finally got the nerve to tell you
How much you mean to me
You said that I was your best friend
A real sweet guy
But that's all I'd ever be
And I'm still here
Waiting here
To catch you if you fall
I don't know why
I care so much
When I shouldn't care at all

EVEN BETTER!!!!

Won't you come over
You know that oyu want to
How does it feel to know I still want you?
Why do we always seem to want what we can't have?
Lessons learned
But then I listen to my heart and it says still run back for more.
I'm happy for you
I'm sure that he really loves you
But it breaks my heart to know I can't hold you
It's just hard to think I'll never get the cahcne to say you're mine
but everytime you hear this song you'll know you've made a mark on my heart and my mind

Or or or

Broken heart again today...
The flowers that I gave to you have withered all away.
Just when I opened up my heart
The one you used to love came and ripped it right apart.

Why do I never seem to learn?
That love is wrong and girls are fucking evil.
I guess I'll never figure out
What womankind is all about.

I heard your voice again today
I'm scarred by all the lies that were once promises you'd made.
I lie in bed awake at night
And wonder what went wrong or even more just what went right.

I'm going to kill Sleeve for reminding me that I love these songs...

so long my friend, don't say goodbye
just give me one last kiss beneath this glowing sky.
we'll go walking through the park
and hang out in the rain.
tell a joke and watch me smile
as we drink away the day.

and know the next time that you
make a wish upon a star
I'll be wishing on the same one that you do
and every night I'm all alone
in some burn out highway town
I'll be thinking of the day that I met you.

hello again, it's been to long.
what happened to our love
since the last time I was gone?

I detach myself again
and lose something everytime.
the solutions in the problem
temporarily alright.

and know the next time that you
make a wish upon a star
that sometimes it might actually come true.
our conversation can't consist of hello and goodbye
and the silence between saying I love you.
and sometimes I wonder 'bout that too

This is a mistake...but it's what I'm good at (screwign up)

2005-01-31T02:45:32Z

Unnoticed

I did not mean to fail you now
got caught up in this quest for perfection
I won't fade into life's big background
while you get what I cant have
so please lay down and let me pass
I'm so afraid that this won't last
and I can't go on unnoticed
I reacted wrong to your good news
I'm sorry but youre the one who failed me
so please lay down and let me pass
I'm so afraid that this won't last
and I can't go on unnoticed
close your eyes and don't look back
and I will try to forgive there is nothing to forgive
take your hand and place it on me
don't you feel how hollow and how empty I am
I need this to fill me up
You took that
Don't take that away
I did not mean to fail you now
but you got exactly what I want and cannot have

Thanks to Anni and you're pretty for that wonderful tale of my life.

And here goes my mistake:
I miss you. This is killing me. I know you're online but I can't make myself IM you. And I can't do it because I know you're happy and better off without me. Everyone is. He left me too, I told you he would. I knew it wouldn't last. So why does this hurt so bad...I'm so sorry

di9i741_4n931 @ 2005-01-22T11:39:00

2005-01-22T16:40:05Z

I'll catch all of you on the flipside....

<3

di9i741_4n931 @ 2005-01-19T21:56:00

2005-01-20T02:58:22Z

I was asked to update...so I am.

I hate school.
I'm really tired of home.
I think I have the plague.
If I pass out one more time there will be hell to pay.
I don't want to work tomorrow.
I hate the cold.
And I'm a whiny bitch.

Updated.

di9i741_4n931 @ 2005-01-08T21:43:00

2005-01-09T02:56:25Z

Here goes another one of those entries that I start to babble and try to make everything make sense but there's probably only one person who is going to understand it, which is just fine because everything that I write is for him anyway. I guess that's kind of why I started my live journal, something to hide behind when I need to say something and can't say it outright. But I'm feeling fairly loquacious at the moment so I need to say it before I forget what I'm saying.
It's so hard to, even when you're having a huge argument and you couldn't be anymore mad, know that, despite how hateful and stupid you're being, know how much love you have for that person and how happy you truly are even when what's being said or done completely destroys your heart.
And for the longest time I hated love and would avoid it at all costs without having reason. Now I have reason and I hate love, but I love loving this person. Even when it hurts the most, all I can do is keep loving him. And I hate it, I think, but it makes me happy. I could be screaming that I hate him and all the while love him that much more.
And while I am a horrible, lying, unfaithful person to him, and this is the worst and most cliche excuse in the world, I do it because I love him. I hurt him and it breaks my heart but what I did to hurt him always ends up being I did it because of the hurt that comes from love.
So maybe this is why I hate love: While I do believe in the Bible and the values it holds, it says that Love is patient, kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud, it is not rude, it is not self serving, love is not easily angered, love keeps no record of wrong doings, love never delights in evil but rejoices in the truth. Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres. Love never ends...Here's my version: Love is infinite patience, love is kind when in happiness. Love envies everything that shares the object of its affection which is why it boasts how much love exists because of how proud of it you are. Love is rude when in comfort because when you're in love, you really don't care. Love serves your beloved, and is easily angered when it can't, and the record of wrongs that you have committed against your love is never forgotten. Love breaks your heart when it comes across evil, but still rejoices knowing that love exists. Love would lay their life down for the other, love always trusts, but is so scared to do so and always hopes for forever. Love withstands stupid arguments, and in the end, you still have love.
I hate love, but I love being in it.
I love you.

Fill it out, biatch.

2004-12-29T02:48:54Z

1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. How have I affected you?
5. What do you think of me?
6. What's the fondest memory you have of me?
7. How long do you think we will be friends?
8. Do you love me?
9. Do you have a crush on me?
10. Would you kiss me?
11. Would you hug me?
12. Physically, what stands out?
13. Emotionally, what stands out?
14. Do you wish I was cooler?
15. On a scale of 1-10, how hot am I?
16. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
17. Am I loveable?
18. How long have you known me?
19. Describe me in one word.
20. What was your first impression?
21. Do you still think that way about me now?
22. What do you think my weakness is?
23. Do you think I'll get married?
24. What makes me happy?
25. What makes me sad?
26. What reminds you of me?
27. If you could give me anything what would it be?
28. How well do you know me?
29. When's the last time you saw me?
30. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
31. Do you think I could kill someone?
32. Are you going to put this on your LiveJournal and see what I say about you?

di9i741_4n931 @ 2004-12-24T00:07:00

2004-12-24T05:07:44Z

I have neglected my Strong Bad Email privelages....I'm glad I caught up on them.

Meh why not grace you with yet another entry

2004-12-24T04:36:00Z

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh boys and girls what's been happenin...

TJ and I are, yet again, just friends. It's cool though. He knows how much I love him and if the only way for us to be happy is to not be together (and to randomly wake the other up in the morning ;-) ) then by all means - that works for me.

Eric will be home Sunday. I don't know how I feel about that. It was a hit it and quit it thing...then I started to almost like him as a person when things between TJ and I got bad...and now I don't know. I think he's the typical idiot guy I thought to begin with. Totally lost all appeal.

Lena and I have been chillin alot lately. I missed hanging out with her and getting along. Getting to see the boys alot lately. I missed them too. Funny people. Apparently Levi's had a thing for me since he met me and I was totally in the dark - mainly because he never said anything because of his gf Ashley who when they broke up when psycho and keyed the hell out of his 1995 Turbo Saab 5 speed automatic leather intereior dvd player nice ass system (I don't adore the car or anything) Too bad its alternator is going bad. But anyway the insurance company listed his car as totalled because she keyed every single pannel doin 3800 dollars in damage. I would've killed her if I would've been there. But yeah. Anyway. I like the kid alot, he's really sweet. But I know myself all too well. I would feed him to the dogs. Unfortunate side-effects to not wanting a relationship.

Nothing else too interesting to speak of. Work still sucks. Car still broke. Iggy's car (the one I totalled) is going to get the frame straightened Jan. 3, so then I 'll have a vehicle YAY It won't be pretty but who cares?

Okay. I'm done: Qwuizzical:

That's totally hot.

I'm updating anyway.

2004-12-05T02:28:53Z

You people suck. Period.

I got really angry tonight. I still am. When I sat down tonight to call someone to go do something I realized what a loser with very few friends I am. I miss TJ. I hate what he's going through right now and I hate it even more that I can't be there. I hate the fact that, for the past month and a half I have sat at home all weekend. I have no life. This just sucks.

There's an update. Not that anyone's actually going to comment on this.

di9i741_4n931 @ 2004-11-12T18:27:00

2004-11-12T23:28:36Z

1. Tell me something obvious about yourself.
2. Tell me something about yourself that I don't know.
3. What is your biggest fear?
4. Do you normally take the safe route or the shortcut?
5. What is the one thing you want the most that you can't buy with money?
6. What is your most treasured possession?
7. What is the one thing you hate most about yourself that you do the most often?
8. Tell me something about you sexually that I don't know.
9. Tell me something about you sexually that everybody knows.
10. What is your favorite lie to tell?
11. Name something you have done once that you can't wait to do again.
12. Are you the jealous type?
13. What is the 1 person, place or thing that you can never say no to?
14. What is the nicest thing someone has ever done for you?
15. If you could do something crazy right now, what would it be?
16. When was the last time you cried?
17. When was the last time you felt so good that nothing else mattered?
18. Do you feel comfortable in public with no shirt on?
19. Name something embarrassing you did while drunk.
20. If you post this in your journal, do you want me to answer it?

So...if I get at least 5 people to fill this out- I will reward you with a real update!!!! Go go go!!!

btw...these were my answers

1. Tell me something obvious about yourself.

I'm a huuuuuuge clutz lol *looks at where she spilled tea on her pants a few minutes ago*

2. Tell me something about yourself that I don't know.

I am losing all faith in the local music scene of Terre Haute

3. What is your biggest fear?

Being forgotten

4. Do you normally take the safe route or the shortcut?

Shortcut...definatley...I'm too impatient

5. What is the one thing you want the most that you can't buy with money?

Satisfaction.

6. What is your most treasured possession?

My teddy bear that my mom got for me when she found out she was pregnant with me.

7. What is the one thing you hate most about yourself that you do the most often?

I am too manipulative when I get jealous.

8. Tell me something about you sexually that I don't know.

I'm gonna agree with Jen on this one lol Don't feel like airing out my dirty laundry in public.

9. Tell me something about you sexually that everybody knows.

I'm a huge perv. lol I <3 Dirty jokes

10. What is your favorite lie to tell?

Does sarcasm count? lol

11. Name something you have done once that you can't wait to do again.

Bungee jumping

12. Are you the jealous type?

Like whoah.

13. What is the 1 person, place or thing that you can never say no to?

My best friend - TJ

14. What is the nicest thing someone has ever done for you?

That takes too much thought.

15. If you could do something crazy right now, what would it be?

Leave this stupid house and just party with friends all night

16. When was the last time you cried?

When TJ and I were arguing

17. When was the last time you felt so good that nothing else mattered?

Today at a friends house

18. Do you feel comfortable in public with no shirt on?

Oh totally....not.

19. Name something embarrassing you did while drunk.

Slipping on the skittle/water covered floor in a mosh pit at the A-room, hitting my head on the stage and getting a concussion

20. If you post this in your journal, do you want me to answer it?

Well duh...I just posted it.

di9i741_4n931 @ 2004-11-02T23:04:00

2004-11-03T04:04:50Z

Looking back at me I see
That I never really got it right
I never stopped to think of you
I'm always wrapped up in
Things I cannot win
You are the antidote that gets me by
Something strong
Like a drug that gets me high

What I really meant to say
Is I'm sorry for the way I am
I never meant to be so cold to you

And I'm sorry about all the lies
Maybe in a different light
You could see me stand on my own again
Cause now i can see
You were the antidote that got me by
Something strong like a drug that got me high
I never meant to be so cold

I never really wanted you to see
The screwed up side of me that I keep
Locked inside of me so deep
It always seems to get to me
I never really wanted you to go
So many things you should have known
I guess for me theres just no hope
I never meant to be so cold

di9i741_4n931 @ 2004-10-28T18:57:00

2004-10-29T00:04:44Z

Find me here
And speak to me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me to the place
Where I find peace again

You are the strength
That keeps me walking
You are the hope
That keeps me trusting
You are the light to my soul
You are my purpose
You're everything

And how can I stand here with you
And not be moved by you
Would you tell me how could it be
Any better than this

You calm the storms
And you give me rest
You hold me in your hands
You won't let me fold
You still my heart
When you take my breath away
Would you take me in take me deeper now

And how can I stand here with you
And not be moved by you
Would you tell me how could it be
Any better than this

And how can I stand here with you
And not be moved by you
Would you tell me how could it be
Any better than this

Cause you're all I want
You're all I need
You're everything.. everything
You're all I want
You're all I need
You're everything.. everything
You're all I want
You're all I need
You're everythiny.. everything
You're all I want
You're all I need
Everything.. everything

And how can I stand here with you
And not be moved by you
Would you tell me how could it be
Any better than this
And how can I stand here with you
And not be moved by you
Would you tell me how could it be
Any better any better than this
And how can I stand here with you
And not be moved by you
Would you tell me how could it be
Any better than this
Would you tell me how could it be
Any better than this

Just need to vent a little

2004-10-22T01:11:26Z

This is all going to be completely jumbled and weird - but that's okay.I've been a bit (haha) of an emotional roller coaster recently, and I'm really sorry for yo especially since you put up with me. But I need to say all of this because it's so overwhelming right now. I don't know what it was I just had this wave crash over me of complete and total desperation. I hope you know how much I really am in love with you and how much I need you around. And I hope you know you'r the best friend I've got and that I miss you even before you leave because I just think about the time that I'm not with you and it hurts. There's nothing more comfortable than having you here with me and nothing hurts more than when you aren't. I don't know what started all of this all I know is that I can't slow my heart and I can't relax, all I want is to run to you and I don't get it. I just hope you know what you mean to me kid even when I act like I don't. So, since there's always someone who said it better, I'll just post more lyrics that have been changed for gender purposes. The grammar too...we all know I hate poor grammar.

He thinks I walk on water
He thinks I hung the moon
He tells me every morning,
"They just don’t make women like you"

He thinks I’ve got it together
He swears I’m as tough as nails
But I don’t have the heart to tell him
He doesn’t know me that well

He doesn’t know how much I need him
He doesn’t know I’d fall apart
Without his kiss, without his touch
Without his faithful, loving arms
He doesn’t know that it’s all about him
He doesn’t know I can’t live without him
He’s my world, he’s my everything
And he thinks he needs me

Sometimes he cries on my shoulder
When he’s lying next to me
But he doesn’t know that when I hold him
That he’s really holding me, holding me

He doesn’t know how much I need him
He doesn’t know I’d fall apart
Without his kiss, without his touch
Without his faithful, loving arms
He doesn’t know that it’s all about him
He doesn’t know I can’t live without him
He’s my world, he’s my everything
And he thinks he needs me

Yeah, and the funny thing is
He thinks he’s the lucky one

He doesn’t know how much I need him
He doesn’t know I’d fall apart
Without his kiss, without his touch
Without his faithful, loving arms
He doesn’t know that it’s all about him
He doesn’t know I can’t live without him
He’s my world, he’s my everything
And he thinks he needs me

He thinks I walk on water
He thinks I hung the moon

di9i741_4n931 @ 2004-10-10T22:09:00

2004-10-11T03:10:59Z

It was the best thing anyone ever gave me, kid - except for maybe you

With you I never wonder, "Will you be there for me?"
With you I never wonder if you're the right one for me.

By no demand nor request, but by my need

2004-10-09T14:36:03Z

This is going to sound completely and utterly ridiculous because I know that I have done all of this to myself...
I'm the reason we're not together
I'm the reason you're hurt
And I'm the reason I can't fix it.
I think I'm the one who's screwed everything up now. I don't know what to do. Kid, right now I'm so much happier than I have been in the past year. So much happier. I want it all the time. I want to not worry about who's looking at me and telling me that I need to stop. I don't want to.
I know what I said about Eric. I didn't lie to you, I did and do have feelings for him but this is stupid because it isn't going to work with him - it's never going to. And now I've said all of these things that I can't just turn around and end it without hurting him...or maybe he won't be hurt - it's not like all of these feelings can be that great. Hell I don't know. I don't know why I wrote this. I just don't know. I'm sorry.

Back by popular demand (or TJ's request....)

2004-10-05T02:51:28Z

Well this weekend went really well. Friday night I watched one and a half really good movies with my best friend. I'm glad he's so understanding. Because if he wasn't I'd be pretty lonely right now.
Saturday morning I had a giganormous breakfast at prayer group then I had to work *grumbles* And after work was tortured by being forced to sit at the church's fish fry. Buuutttt we got our new pomeranian - Sebastian. And he's so cute. Had like a 20 minute nap on a very comfy pillow ;-)
Sunday at church was meh just church. Then I went with TJ to his church's picnic - finally got to meet all of his people for the first time since I've known him. Walked around some crazy trails at the park....didn't run into any shelters though ;-) Then came back to my house, watched a movie and fell asleep cuz I'm lazy. then church which is church - then another nap on the way home. Then I spent hours writing my speech for home work that wasn't due today. Because I'm stupid.
Then today I had to work...on my birthday...that sucked. But hey I'm 17 now...which means I'm legal...oooooohhhh yes.

What The Hell Happened Last Night?
LJ Username
What did you drink?
You wake up in the morning next to:	punk_gye
...who is wearing:	fake tattoos
...and rolls over to you to say:	How the heck did you manage to sleep with those wrist cuffs on?
...and then:	nibbles your neck

This quiz by joneccleston - Taken 143044 Times. </a>